Channel 4 in the UK has finally taken a British stab at a global franchise, as they rolled out their version of the popular American survival show.
As a Canadian with survivalist tendencies and training, I have been a massive fan of Alone since it premiered on the History Channel in 2015.
The show has continually evolved, and each successive round of contestants learning survival lessons and tips from some of the shows heroes.
It’s obvious that Channel 4 and the UK production company behind it had no intention of staying true to format, nor actually casting people with any love or talent for surviving in nature.
They might has as well called the series ‘The Only Way is Camping’, as the oddball assortment of campers they have assembled is an insult to the tradition of the show.
Not only do these people have zero survival or camping skills, they truly seem like they are unprepared, and willing to quit at the first buzz from a mozzie.
Where did you find these people? Tik Tok?
Contestants
Former heroin junkie Mike has the dubious distinction of lasting the shortest amount of time in franchise history, tapping out after a mere four hours.
Mike actually tapped a vein with his axe, as he hit his own leg while stupidly chopping wood.
Mike beat the previous 2016 record of 6 hours by Desmond, who was surrounded by menacing bears and had to wait for extraction.
Watching Desmond wait while the bears circled was terrifying.
Seeing Mike hit himself while not paying attention was just sad.
Naomi is the only contestant I have ever seen show up in full make-up. Has she never seen the show?
Sadly it seems that only reason that Naomi was there was for the obligatory naked shot of her in the river.
Way to go Channel 4, you continue to use nudity to exploit women.
There was also Louie, who also proudly stripped down naked to scout for bear scat.
Any Canadian up there would quickly tell Louie that his stupid, naked ass is going to need a blood transfusion once the horse flies and mosquitos have filled up their tanks.
The rest of the cast of camping morons doesn’t look much better, as not one person in the group has any furtive survival abilities.
Naomi gets cold easily, Kian has never been away from home, Laura drank dirty water from the shore, Eva doesn’t know how to start a fire, Alan isn’t sure what he can eat-despite being a forest manager.
Producers might have well as asked ChatGPT, ‘can you give me the emails of some annoying people who don’t know how to camp?
Location
As a Canadian, I am well versed with the area that they chose to drop off the contestants along the Mackenzie River in the Northwest Territories.
Ironically, the Mackenzie river was ‘discovered’ by Scottish explorer Alexander Mackenzie in the late 1700s.
At only 22 years old, Alexander was able to navigate this raging river in hopes of finding a Northwest Passage.
He attempted to find the Pacific twice on his incredible journeys.
The fact that the producers of Alone UK couldn’t find a 22 year old Scottish person is a tragedy in itself.
As far as the location itself, it would be considered by far the easiest location of ALL of the series thus far.
The Mackenzie itself is a massive river, which means that not only will it see extensive traffic, but also loads of human garbage.
Alone allows contestants to repurpose any garbage that they find, and this busy location on the river would be filled with loads of fishing gear, plastics and possibly shelters or hunting camps.
To Canadians, this is a busy area, and anything but remote.
It’s like a Butlin’s parking lot.
Format
One of the main consistencies across the Alone format are the graphical and narratives that help inform viewers of various factoids.
For example if a contestant were about to eat some red berries, a little graphic would pop up with something fun like ‘The berries that Emily is about to eat are highly toxic, and could kill her within hours.’
We need to know this stuff! Yet the UK version has NONE of this, and it feels kind of hollow when a camper is explaining eating wood bark (factoid please!)
There is also a stunning lack of announcer, graphics of display, and those sound effects from Alone that we have come to expect.
It doesn’t even feel like the same show.
Also, on other versions of the show you get a sense that the contestants WANT to be there, and WANT to win.
These people act like they are only there to see if they can camp for a weekend in Canada.
Conclusion
Alone UK feels like a cheap betrayal of the original format, with weak characters, poor editing and a lack luster sense of jeopardy.
I personally won’t watch after the first episode as it seems like a charlatan series.
Hopefully if Channel 4 ever do decide to do more, they stick to the format, and get real adventures instead of trying to jam Love Island into the Canadian wilderness.